Soft As Nails
Did you think I made a mistake with the title? It’s “hard as nails” right? No love, that’s the exact opposite of where you want to be. Years and years ago, I went through a hard breakup with an ex-boyfriend. I’ll never forget sitting across from one of my dear friends at our monthly lunch date, and she said something to me that will stick with me forever. She looked me straight in the face and said “Don’t let him make you hard". I hadn’t even realized where my heart was but it was in a dark, and very hard place. I was plotting revenge for his cheating, I was thinking of all the ways I could make him suffer, and even though I’d never actually follow through with any of it, I’d be lying to say it didn’t cross my mind. I was hurting and he needed to hurt him too. I already had some pretty high and pretty thick walls around my heart, but this was just going to reinforce them with fire breathing dragons now! I was done trying to find true love, real commitment, or anyone to be my partner - forget it, I’m out, I’m just gonna use men and let them pay for dates and call it a day.
Thank God for good friends who can see through all my crap, even when I’m hurting. She called me out that day, she saw me working hard to build those walls even higher, and she encouraged me to stay soft.
What’s the benefit of staying soft? What does that even look like? Well, let me start with this hard truth - it’s a hundred times harder to stay soft in difficult situations than it is to build a wall. Walls are easy. Revenge, too easy. Hurting others out of our own hurt… so natural we might not even realize we’re doing it. But staying soft? Going even softer? This is the stuff of true warriors.
The real fighters, the true warriors, are the ones that take the time to figure it all out. If you feel like falling apart into a blob of blubbering messiness on the floor (which was totally me on that day at lunch), sit with it. It doesn’t feel good to sit with it, it’s hard as hell, but you can do it. Process, feel, flow, and grow through it. As my mom always says, “this too shall pass”. And that awful, horrible feeling will go. It may come back in an hour, but it will have less power the next time. You’ll probably flow through the feelings many times before you can sit with it and not feel like a blob on the floor, but you’ll get there.
As you sit with your emotions, take the time to process them. Don’t shy away from the lessons that are sitting there for you. This awful thing that happened to you has a purpose in your life. It was probably brought into your life for a very specific reason - there’s something here you needed to unveil, to face head on, and to learn from. (Pro tip - stop thinking about the event or the other person. It’s not about them. It’s only about you…… Why are you feeling this way? What part of you needs extra love and healing so that these things don’t stop you from being your full glorious self? What triggers do you have that need to be addressed?).
Staying soft also means forgiving. Living with a resentful heart won’t serve you at any point in your life. Forgiving can be hard, but it keeps you soft. When you forgive the very person who hurt you, they stop having control over you. You’ve probably heard this before, and maybe even rolled your eyes. But think about it - what are you thinking about? Them. What’s making you cry? Them. Whose death are you plotting? Theirs. They’ve already taken something from you, but now you’re willingly giving them more. The best way to stop all of that attention and energy you’re still giving them? Forgiveness.
Maybe the hardest thing about staying soft is giving yourself time. You can’t rush healing. You can’t rush the process, the ugly part. You can’t patch it with a new guy, drink it away, or stuff it behind 5 walls and fire dragons (trust me, I’ve tried). It’s still going to be there. Allow yourself the time to get through everything and give yourself the permission and the grace to learn at your own pace.
Some perks of staying soft?
You won’t regret anything. You won’t pass up good things, real things, because you’re still hiding and protecting behind hard walls
You don’t hurt other people in the process of your life. Don’t spill your ugly on others just because you chose to be hard
You open yourself up to even more. When you’re soft, you attract others who haven’t hardened their hearts either
You gain love. If you’re hard and building up walls, you won’t have the chance to find anything authentic.
