What Cancer Took From Me
A little over a year out from my inflammatory breast cancer diagnosis, and I found myself taking inventory of my life over the last year. How I’ve changed, how life is better & worse, and I also found myself looking forward from here - what do I want? Like, really, really want? (Insert Spice Girls here lol).
As I reflected back on the last year, I really started to notice just how much cancer has taken from me. There are some really noticeable voids in my life that have started to become very apparent. So what did cancer take from me? Let me be blunt…
First, and most significantly, cancer stole my f***’s. I have very carefully chosen energy to give about things in my life these days - I had a precious few f’s to begin with, and cancer found a way to whittle that down even more. Does it stress me out? Boy bye. Does it bring me joy? If the answer is no, peace out. Does it make me question the boss babe that I know I am? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Loves - let me lay it out for you - you have a finite time on this earth. Our days are all numbered, I just happen to have an idea of mine. While I plan to live a long, full life - the stats say I have a 50% chance of being here to see my son turn 12 years old. I have very few f’s to give outside of what brings me joy, peace, and a life FULL lived - for me, my family, and humanity. I choose my f’s well.
Coming in as a close second, cancer stole my freedom to live life unaware. I am wildly aware of my mortality, aware of the massive blessing that I have in waking up each day, and aware of how my attitude can affect me & those around me with the time I have. I harness this awareness every day as I navigate stress, navigate decisions, and navigate finding my own pure joy. I am aware of what I can bring to the table, and aware that I want to do that every day that God has given me to live. I will live, not just mindlessly walk through life.
Next, but equally as important, cancer took away my ability to think that anything happens TO me. I mean, some things I truly don’t have control over, but I’m responsible for a lot more than I let myself believe before cancer. My friend/co-worker/family member/random stranger that pissed me off today? Sure, they did some crappy thing that pissed me off, but I am CHOOSING to be pissed off. I could let it go, I could let it ride, but instead, I’m choosing to be pissed off. Stressed about work/finances/relationships? I’m CHOOSING stress. Yeah, those things are legit real - and have real-life impacts, I don’t want to downplay any of them. However, if I die tomorrow, do I want to be on my deathbed going “thank God I stressed over my savings account yesterday cause if I hadn’t done that we’d be worse off today” - that’s a hard no. So let it go. Let it go, sis. It’s not for you.
There are so many other things that cancer took from me - my hair, my breasts, my waistline, a year of feeling like myself, tons of my savings … the list goes on.
But cancer gave me so much more - my warrior spirit, a deep appreciation for what I have, an ability to ask for and accept help (this was probably the hardest thing cancer gave me), a strengthened family & friends group, the ability to laugh and find joy in the hardest of times, and the desire to be genuinely & deeply happy every damn day. I choose joy.
