How my balance has changed over time…

Balance is at the core of my existence and the center of my business. I used to live in such a chaotic way, though ironically, I was praised for it. People thought that the lifestyle I had - burning the candle at both ends - was some kind of achievement. I would hear praises like, "You have such a strong work ethic" or "You're such a hard worker." It felt good to hear those accolades, and I was promoted and got raises. I thought I was winning at life.

Behind the veil, I was exhausted. I was giving my son the crumbs of energy I had left over. I was not eating much, and when I did, it was mostly unhealthy - little treats I told myself I earned with all the work I was doing. Despite being exhausted beyond belief, I wasn't sleeping at night. I would lay in bed, and yawn and yawn and yawn. My eyes would get heavy. And then I would remember that I didn't send that email, didn't wish that person happy birthday, didn't get groceries like I said I would, so now I'd have to do it tomorrow. The onslaught of mental tasks kept me awake, even though my body and my mind yearned for rest.

I would drive to work and listen to a worship song that said something like, 'you will find rest'. It seemed like some unachievable pot of gold at the end of a rainbow I could never find. Instead of inspiring me, the song made me so sad. What was I doing wrong, when I was doing everything right, that I just wanted the world to stop spinning for a few days so I could catch up and get myself back on track. Back on the hamster wheel - the ultimate goal to just keep working myself to death? It just didn't make sense. This can't be what life is; what an empty existence.

Desperate, I decided to start putting in boundaries. I think sometimes we only start doing the things we need when we get desperate, right? At the end of the proverbial rope and have to find something new to try. So I started with boundaries around my time. I stopped coming in early and stopped staying late. It was awful. I hated it so much. It actually felt like I was going to get further behind and therefore make my life that much harder. I was already staying late, working extra, and was still behind - so I had zero belief that working less hours was going to help.

I got further behind. I did. No lies.

But, what shocked me the most was..... no one cared. The world didn't burn down. The tasks didn't kill me in my sleep for not getting them finished. I didn't get fired. It was..... okay.

The biggest challenge I had to face was my own mind. My own expectations. My own need for external affirmation of being a good employee. I was the one who created the mess, and I was the one keeping it alive from my own unhealthy mindset. Yes, my boss played into it. Yes, my coworkers added in a dash of expectation. Yes, society awarded me for it. But I freakin' created it.

Hi. It's me. I'm the problem, it's me.

From that realization, from the place of starting new boundaries, from the desperation of wanting a life that I could be proud of and not exhausted from, I started figuring out what other boundaries I needed to create a life of balance. It's been about ten years on this journey and I'll never be done. As seasons change and life changes, I need new boundaries, new rules, new expectations of myself. But I'm learning that it's safe to do so and I'm the creator of any prison I put myself in, and therefore I'm the one holding the keys to get out.